In daily life, many of our difficulties arise through interactions with others — at home, at work, and even in spiritual practice. People think differently, react differently, and respond in ways we do not always expect.
How should we understand these differences?
Is there a way to relate to others that reduces friction, misunderstandings, and inner unrest?
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Transcript:
[NOTE: This translation was made by one of our volunteers]
Okay. We’ll talk about today’s solution. We’re talking about various solutions for life, right? Now if I mention a problem like this? That is, during the Buddha’s Time, this has happened. During the Buddha’s Time, the daughter loves her mother very much. The mother is old. The daughter absolutely adores her mother. A time arrived when the volume of flies increased. Then the mother was sleeping on the mat. She slept as she was tired. I think she grew tired as she pounded paddy and hence she lay down on the mat. Thereafter, those flies began to sting the mother. Mosquitoes. Mosquitoes or small flies. Then she said “Daughter… See, they aren’t letting me sleep.” “These flies are a nuisance.” “Who is bothering my dear mother?!” She came and checked. Flies had covered her. “Just you wait! I’ll teach these flies a good lesson.” Saying so – the pestle that was used to pound paddy – she brought the pestle and hit the flies. She hit the flies that had settled on the mother’s body. There was one settled on her head and she gave a powerful blow. Both the flies and the mother were done for. So that story was told to the Supreme Buddha. The Supreme Buddha said even in the past – I think her name was Rohini – even back then the exact same thing happened. Then too flies had settled on the mother’s body and she had hit with the pestle and killed her. Then what was the guidance the Supreme Buddha gave for that problem? That is, what’s the advice the Supreme Buddha gave at that time? The Supreme Buddha said as an advice at that time “This has happened before.” That is, there’s nothing more that can be expected from those people. There’s nothing more that can be expected…
Similarly there’s the Makasa Jataka. The son loves the father. A mosquito had settled on the father’s bald head. The son brought an axe and hit the mosquito. The father’s head split in to two. So the son killed the father when trying to kill a fly. These are things that truly happened. You’ll would laugh thinking if such things can happen. Why can’t it happen? I remember in the time right after I ordained, a son who came to the monastery said “Oh, please look at what my uncle did.” I asked “What has happened, son?” The uncle has brought a puppy and he adores it. After a while, the puppy’s entire body was covered in fleas. Thereafter, as he could not get rid of the fleas he thought “Just you wait. I’ll do something so you’ll can’t escape!”. As a result, he poured black oil on the white puppy. Now the puppy is black color. Still those fleas – black in color now – are running around its body. Thereafter the uncle became furious, checked the path of the flea, put kerosene on that area and had lit a match. So these Rohinis – these characters I mentioned – are they there even today or not? They’re there even today. Then at that time what’s the advice the Supreme Buddha gave? The Supreme Buddha said “There’s nothing more that can be expected from those people.” What else can be expected other than foolishness from a fool?
So can you not understand what I am trying to say? The problems in your life, the troubles, you get from people, right? I’m asking, from people who don’t know the Dhamma, who don’t believe in merit or sins, who don’t believe in good or bad, who don’t believe in hell and heaven; can you expect more than this? You can’t expect more than this… Because they don’t know the Dhamma, and they don’t believe in merits and sins, From people who don’t believe that you get what you do in return, kindness, humanity, compassion, understanding us, collaboration, help – can those be expected? It can’t be (expected)… So at that time, what’s the answer for this problem? Understanding people… So let’s say you’ll listen to Dhamma sermons. Someone who has never listened to Dhamma sermons gets angry and scolds all of you. Then you’ll think “This person has no patience. He/she has a terrible temper.” And thus you’ll scold that person. Now tell me, of those two people, who should be patient? That person or you? It’s you who listens to Dhamma sermons. It’s you who listens to Dhamma sermons. The person who listens to Dhamma sermons should be the patient one. How will the person who doesn’t listen to Dhamma sermons be patient? It’s you who should be tolerant. It’s you who listens to Dhamma sermons. That person has not heard a Dhamma sermon on having to be tolerant, right? That’s the thing…. So when traveling on the road, three-wheelers and bikes cut across. People who go in certain vehicles continue their journey scolding… So those people put across their three-wheelers and went on their way. The person in this vehicle continues to scold until the end of his journey. The people inside that vehicle have to listen to the scolding. Those people didn’t even do any wrong.
So at that time we (must think) “These people are in a state of unrest.” Everyone tries to do their work quickly. The lifespan of humans are short, meritorious devotees. As lifespans shorten, work is done faster. Recently a monk told me “Dear monk, these days, people can’t even eat velvet tamarind properly.” Why? Because velvet tamarind has a small volume. It’s supposed to be eaten slowly. Given today’s unrest, they’ll eat a few and decide, “This is not worth it.” and throw it away. It is a surprising state of unrest. They need to run fast. They can’t walk slowly. Food is eaten quickly and not slowly. Why? As lifespans decline, people do things quicker. Those who traveled by foot – people traveled by foot in the past, right? They made the bullock cart their greatest vehicle. So for people who traveled by foot and by bullock carts, the bicycle became the next vehicle. Thereafter, the three-wheeler. That’s how people progressed. See how people want to go fast. Even when they travel in a vehicle, they need to go fast. Otherwise, they feel uneasy. They’re conditioned to speed. This is what happens to the world when lifespans reduce. When the human lifespan was 40,000 years, it took 4 days to climb the Vēpulla mountain. In current time, people climb the Vēpulla mountain in an hour. When people’s lifespans were 30,000 years, it took 3 days to climb the Vēpulla mountain. Now people climb it in an hour. When people’s lifespans were 20,000 years, it took 2 days to climb the Vēpulla mountain. Now people go in an hour. Then during the time lifespans were long, and the times they were short – the manner in which human lifespans are growing shorter… Even food and drink is needed in a second. In the past, it took so long to reap paddy. Paddy is reaped, threshed on the threshing floor, and dried. Now some contraption is put in to the paddy field, and (the paddy is) cut and packed then and there. It’s sold then and there and you go home. So quickly. People have become mechanical. They are restless. Therefore when going on roads, don’t scold people saying they are restless. It’s pointless. We become upset. Understand that this is how people are. Understand that this is the last era of the Buddha’s Dispensation. Understand that people are impulsive. For the slightest thing they get agitated. They get angry. It’s us who listen to Dhamma sermons that should be patient, right? Who else will do it? So therefore, the Supreme Buddha preached about these. “People have foolish qualities. Understand them.”
In the town of Sāvatti, in a place where toddy is manufactured, a man asked a foolish boy to watch over the toddy. “You give a cup of this to them,” “and take this many gold coins.” Then those who came took a cup of toddy and had drunk it by putting a salt crystal in their mouths each time they took a sip. That boy watched and thought, “Maybe there isn’t enough salt in the toddy.” He put a sack of salt in the toddy and stirred it. No one could drink that toddy. That man returned and bathed him (in toddy) saying “You bathe!” So nothing more can be expected from that person. So therefore, we must understand. Now some gentlemen come and mention their wives’ faults. Then we tell them “The way you think is wrong.” “The nature of women is that they make great plans, they cry for the slightest thing.” “They have great plans in their hearts.” “They are hurt by the slightest thing and, likewise, they are made happy by the smallest thing.” “You must understand her.” “This is the nature of women. The nature of my wife.” “Understanding that becomes the answer to living in marital harmony.” That’s his/her way. “My husband gets angry instantly. That’s his nature.” “After he scolds, he’s fine.” “When he’s scolding, (I) must be neutral.” That’s the answer. Understanding your husband. Then “Although we speak to our son harshly, when we stroke is head, speak to him lovingly and hold him lovingly, that child forgets it.” You should understand your son too. Therefore, understanding people is an answer to a problem. So the Supreme Buddha said “In this world,” “there are various kinds of people.” The Supreme Buddha said “Some people” “- when they get angry -” “the anger comes and goes away in a second.” The Supreme Buddha said “It’s like a line drawn on water.” Next, the Supreme Buddha said “Some people get angry and it lasts for a little while. Maybe a day or so. Thereafter, it goes away.” “That’s like a line drawn in sand.” “Some people get angry and they remember it as if it’s written in stone.” “Until they die, they remember it. They don’t even attend the other’s funeral.” That’s their nature. Then when we are associating (if we understand) this is their nature; that this person holds grudges like a snake, their memory is as if it’s carved in stone. We should associate such people carefully. The other (kind of person) is “Even though he/she gets angry, it dissipates in a bit.” Even with that person, you must live accordingly. They get angry and in the next moment it dissipates – understand those people too and live with them.
Understanding people… Next the Supreme Buddha said there are people like mangoes in this world. What does that mean? The skin of some mangoes are raw but it’s ripe inside. The skin and insides are both raw. It’s ripe on the outside but raw on the inside. The inside is ripe and so is the outside. There are lives like that. There are certain people seem to be very innocent and kind. Oh, but you must see what’s inside. They seem ripe on the outside but raw on the inside. They don’t have any virtues inside. Some seem harsh on the outside. When you see that person, you feel afraid. They seem harsh. They say what they have to say to your face. But when you associate that person, you understand that that person is a very good person. Honest… That is, the skin on the outside is raw, but the inside is ripe. There are some the inside and outside are raw. Then they’re nasty and mean on the outside and at the same time there’s stinginess, miserliness, and jealousy in their heads too. There are some people – they are good on the inside and the outside. On the surface they have innocence, kindness and compassion, and they have the same on the inside. So what do we do about these? The Supreme Buddha said there are 4 kinds of people. He didn’t ask to change people. So the solution for our life is – There are people like this. There are people like this.
The Supreme Buddha said some people’s lives – when a vessel is turned right side up and water is poured in, it fills well. Some people’s vessels have a hole in it. When you put water in it, it lasts a little while whilst seeping out. Some people’s lives are like vessels turned upside down. However much water is put, it does not fill. Likewise, some people remember what’s said. They remember well what’s said. It’s in their mind and they do the task. If you say something to certain people, they remember it for 1-2 days and forget it. Some people don’t remember what was said just now. Now what should be done? If we understand that this person forgets what’s told this moment, we should not make that a problem. We should understand that person instead. By understanding that person, to get something done from him/her, we need to remind them again and again. So if we’ve understood the person that he/she remembers when it’s said once, if you tell him/her once, it’s enough. You don’t need to repeat yourself. What are we discussing today as a solution for life?
Understanding people… Is a solution for life… Solutions for problems – “This is their nature.” We go to other countries. Those countries have people. We have to move about with their various obstacles and troubles. Then we understand “This is their nature.” “It’s the way of this country. It’s their culture.” “That’s how this country has been made.” Now, the majority of us have experience traveling to India. Then when you go there, the way those people shout, the way they yell when traveling in buses, the way they toot their horns. When traveling in the bus – in buses – if they don’t toot their horns, it’s as if they don’t have oil or fuel in the bus. As they go, they have to toot their horns frequently. When traveling by bus, we should not scold the driver saying he’s tooting the horn. It’s the way of the country. Next, they love complexity. Those buses swerve between other vehicles and go. Then we must understand that’s the way of the country. Different countries have different cultures. That’s their nature. Next, mothers and fathers still cannot understand their children. Girls these days wear long pants, wear certain fashions. Boys do certain fashions too. Then in some homes, the parents scold them. They are very worried about them. Then we should understand that this is the way now. Do these mothers expect their daughters to wear the Lamā Saree to tuition classes like they did? You’ll wore loin cloths and farmed back then. Do you expect the boys of today to do the same? Therefore, understand that that era was different and this era is different. Very different. Back then we traveled by foot. Nowadays if there’s a three-wheeler or a bike in a home, can you say “We went by foot. So should you!” Therefore we must understand that this is the way. What can be done? What can be done?… This is the nature of children today. I am not saying to think “This is their way.” and let children behave as they want to. We’re discussing problem solving. Understand this, okay? We’re discussing about resolving problems. So, when resolving problems, we must think in a way that does not place pressure on our minds. One of those ways is ‘This is how people are’. We can’t expect more than this from people.
I have met people who get angry less frequently in their lives. I have seen certain characteristics of theirs. I have asked “How” “do you wait without getting angry?” Then they say “Nothing more can be expected from these people.” “It’s us who are wrong.” That is, let’s say we do a task with someone who doesn’t understand it. However much we say, he/she does not understand. That is, when we give a child a ball, he/she hugs it. If you don’t understand a ball, then let’s say it’s a balloon? A toddler is given a balloon. That child can carry the balloon. Is there a point in giving a 50kg cement bag to that little one? We should understand this is the person’s capacity. So that may be the capacity of your daughter. So that may be the capacity of your son. Maybe your husband or wife can understand only that much. How can you make a person who doesn’t understand to understand beyond a certain point? Even if you explain and they still don’t understand? Then you must take something like a mantra to heart. “Nothing more than this can be expected from them.” “Nothing more than this can be expected from them.” When you think this way, a lightness enters your mind. That is, we are expecting something from them that they can’t give us. Now let’s say you’re in another country. A friend of yours – if you think they’ll explain the Four Noble Truths to you, are you wise? That person will talk of things in that country. That is, whatever is within each person comes out. Nothing more can be expected. People who crave houses, land, vehicles; other than them having cravings for those, from such people letting go, giving charity, performing merits – such things can’t be expected. Therefore, understand people and live. That this is the nature of people…
Then there are more topics we must discuss in future episodes. (Such as) problems occurring due to not having gratitude. People don’t have gratitude. The Supreme Buddha said that there are rare people in this world. One is – the Supreme Buddha said – a Supreme Buddha appearing in this world is rare. That Supreme Buddha’s Dhamma – if a person preaches it – preaching that Dhamma is something rare. Then the Supreme Buddha said “kataññū katavedī dullabho lokasmiṁ.” Having gratitude is rare. That is, if someone helps you, keeping that help in mind and helping in return – that is rare in this world. Are gems rare or abundant? Rare. Now do you think you will find gems in every foot of your land? No. Just like that, everyone does not have gratitude. If we expect that, we are foolish. Having gratitude means one is close to Nibbāna. Closer to heaven. It’s those people who cross over saṁsara. Those who have gratitude… Even when Venerable Ananda Thero was a dog he had gratitude towards the bit of rice that was given to him. People who attain Nibbāna – even though they get lives like that as a consequence of kamma – gratitude remains in their hearts. It does not remain like that in ignoble people. During a time that there was no water, a man drew water from a well and had placed a bowl of water for thirsty monkeys to drink. During a time there was no water, because the monkeys felt faint, that person had drawn water from a well and placed a bowl of water for them. One monkey had drunk water from that, climbed a tree, and had urinated on to that man’s body. The Supreme Buddha said “It’s I who drew the water.” “It was Devadatta who urinated.” So even when Devadatta was a monkey, he was ignoble. Therefore, being noble or ignoble, even animals have it. Humans have it too. This country, that country – any country has it. Different designations have it. Noble and ignoble qualities. Because, in this world, titles are given not by judging nobility or ignobility, but by educational qualifications. Exams are passed by looking at nobility or ignobility? It’s by one’s memory and skill. Is someone born with memory and skill based on their nobility or ignobility? No, right? Do you’ll receive children based on your nobility and ignobility? No, right? Therefore, your children, relatives, siblings – they have different characteristics. Just like the five fingers on a hand are different. Your children, relatives, and siblings are those who have been born into the human world after coming from different worlds and countries. Those who come from the serpent world have serpent-like characteristics, those from demon worlds have demonic characteristics, those from the devil world have devil-like characteristics. Those from the genie world have genie-like characteristics. Those from the deva worlds have deva-like characteristics. Those from the brahma world have brahma-like characteristics. Those from hell have those low qualities. Those from the spirit world have greediness in them. So what can be done? Can we change such people? Can we get everyone in this world under one ideology? If everyone in this world can be brought under one ideology, if this earth can be flattened like a mat – if one person can do so without any supernatural power – rearranging the earth with a mamoty, one should be able to flatten this earth if all these people can be brought under one ideology. That’s not possible, right? Then everyone can’t be brought under one ideology. Then what’s the answer? That is the way when dwelling with these people… That’s the way… Let’s understand people… That is, you, I and all of us are entangled in this problem.
Now it’s not as if I have escaped all problems and am talking about these problems. Now I preach about Arahantship from the Supreme Buddha’s Dhamma. It’s not that I have attained Arahantship. The Supreme Buddha said like this. Even in this Upāya Kusala Dhamma program, it’s not that I know the answers and am preaching them. The Supreme Buddha said so. A wise person can seek the answer from a Supreme Buddha. I am only an intermediary. The sound comes from your phone, from your TV. Next, from the radio, the cassette, the sound comes. Just like that I preach the Supreme Buddha’s Dhamma from my mouth. I am only a medium. I am only a medium. You need to find the right answer. Just because you got the right answer from a cassette, all our problems aren’t addressed by the cassette. Similarly, don’t think that I have the answers for all your problems. The Supreme Buddha has the answers. It is the Supreme Buddha that heals our lives. (By) saying “This is the nature of people…” “Nothing more can be expected from these people…” “From people who don’t know the Dhamma, nothing more can be expected…” “Nothing more can be expected from people who have lust.” “Nothing more can be expected from people who have hatred.” “Nothing more can be expected from people who are stingy.” “Nothing more can be expected from the world filled with unwholesomeness.” “Nothing more can be expected from society that does not respect the Triple Gem.” “Nothing more can be expected from stingy people who run behind money.” “Nothing more can be expected from insincere people.” “Nothing more can be expected from people who have barely been to temples or heard Dhamma sermons.” That’s how one must think. It is we who listen to Dhamma sermons that should forgive. It is we who listen to Dhamma sermons that should tolerate. It is we who listen to Dhamma sermons that should spread loving-kindness. It is we who listen to Dhamma sermons that should eradicate stinginess within ourselves and not others. It is we who listen to Dhamma sermons that should have gratitude and not others. We look for gratitude in others. This is where we went wrong. Therefore, this mind is disturbed and is being churned by various problems. Meritorious ones, get rid of the trash in your minds. Get rid of it and give way for the Dhamma in the mind. In your mind, in your heart, give a place for the Dhamma. In your mind, in your heart, give a place for a Buddha. In that mind, give a place for kindness. Give a place for loving-kindness. Instead of searching for fairness and unfairness. Okay, so the half an hour has come to an end. Today we spoke that an answer for a problem is understanding that “This is the nature of people.” Understanding people is an answer to a problem. Therefore, may you and I receive the strength to face the challenges of this life!…